SEPTEMBER 19 - 25, 1998
SEPTEMBER 25, 1998
The Bat Briefing
Since 1986, the Allegheny National Forest has completed surveys and activities
to protect and enhance Threatened and Endangered species or their habitats.
"What the devil are you talking about?" you might ask.
Let me bring you up to speed.
We all know about the famous Indiana Bat that was allegedly discovered
in the ANF last month. Aside from the famous bat (of which only 270 are estimated
to potentially be in the entire state of Pennsylvania), we also have bald eagles.
They are on the threatened and endangered species list and there are three nesting pairs
living here right now.
Then there is the Clubshell and Northern Riffleshell mussel, too.
According to the ANF, they conducted "...Surveys to locate mussels near Wilderness
Islands in 1989 and in 10 major streams in 1994, and (instituted) forest wide standards
and guidelines to protect water quality." They report: "To date, mussels have
only been found in the Allegheny River in association with the river islands."
Along with the eagles and the mussels, we also have the Small-whorted pogonia, which
is an orchid. The ANF has conducted surveys on over 227,000 acres to locate pogonias and
to date, none have been found. They report that the nearest population in near Oil City,
PA. Lucky them!
You know. I had intended to do a serious report about what Ranger John Schultz
briefed Larry Stratton and I about yesterday afternoon; but consider the absurdity of
this! John Schultz is a great guy; but to tell us, straight faced, that the United States
Government paid to have adults search 227,000 acres of the Allegheny National Forest
looking for an orchid baffles my imagination. Who is in charge and what the hell
are these people using for brains? Is it any wonder that they charge us to use our forest
when they waste money like this?
Can you imagine them tromping up and down streams looking for mussels?
Hello!!!!! Have you checked the fresh fish counter at Tops Supermarket lately? They sell
them there by the dozen already in a bag ready to be steamed! And give me a break! How the
hell can you differentiate one damn mussel from another damn mussel?
I can hear it now. The esteemed, Doctor B.S. Manureo of the University
of Southern Middle Florida, carefully holding up two separate and distinct mussels.
"Look here, Harold. There is no reason to speak of God's creatures like that. They
are not damn mussels. They are lovely and intelligent life forms. Here is the difference.
Look at this single spot - er, we will call it a blemish. See how the blemish is located
on the upper shell. This is the common, every day mussel that you find in the grocery
store."
"What's its name?" I ask.
"Name? Oh! Mussel Ordinarius. Now, Harold, look at this Northern Riflfleshell. See
how the spot - er, blemish, is on the bottom shell. That is what differentiates it from
Mussel Ordinarius."
"Oh," I say with a straight face. "What about the Clubshell? How is that
differentiated from the Riffleshell?"
"It has two spots - er, blemishes, on the bottom shell instead of one."
Give me a break! A mussel is a mussel is a mussel, just like that lousy bat is
a lousy bat that eats bugs. That bat was probably planted in the forest by who knows
who and for the reason of stopping the timbering! Endangered species my rear end!
Think about it. These people are serious! They actually believe in what they are saying
and think of the cost and the impact that this is about to visit on all of us.
FACT. Last year Warren and McKean Counties each received
approximately 1.2 million dollars from the sale of timber in the Allegheny National
Forest. That money was distributed to townships and school districts. The townships used
the money for roads and the school districts used the money for operation expense.
FACT. Now that one Indiana Bat has been discovered, all
timbering comes to an immediate halt. The Allegheny National Forest now must actively
consult with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (They are the people who are in charge of
mussels and bats.) in order to revise standards for protection of the species and habitat
included in the 10 year plan that is now 13 years old.
FACT. Formal consultation with the mussel and bat people will
take up to 135 days, or longer. At the conclusion of the consultation, the U.S. Fish and
Wildlife Service will issue a Biological Opinion. It will evaluate current projects
involving the eagles, the orchid that doesn't exist, and the two mussels that escaped from
Tops Supermarket with the spot -er, blemish on the bottom shell. The opinion will now
include the newest arrival - the bat.
You should be aware of certain things about this bat that Penn State found in the
forest. The Indiana bat is one of nine bat species known to live in Pennsylvania. The main
group of Indiana bats are found in Missouri, Kentucky and Indiana, with over half of all
Indiana bats wintering in Indiana. (They hibernate like our black bears.) The overall
population has decreased from an estimated 808,500 bats by the 1960 bat census, to only
352,000 bats by the latest bat census completed in 1995. (These people are serious!) The
population in the eastern part of its range, including Pennsylvania, West Virginia and New
York, is less troubled. (Oh!) some researchers feel it has remained stable since 1960;
others feel it has nearly doubled, from 12,570 bats in 1960 to 22,970 bats in 1995. (I
want to know how they are so precise with figures that they can count bats to seventy in
number!) The Indiana bat population in Pennsylvania is estimated at 270 bats. The Indiana
bat leaves Pennsylvania in October and supposedly does not return again until April.
FACT. Federal Law requires that Threatened and Endangered
species come before all other considerations. As a result of the consultation with the
Fish and Wildlife Service over the bat, "...projects will be modified or
cancelled."
FACT. Even if the Fish and Wildlife Service does not create a
problem, The Allegheny Defense Project will certainly file suit in an effort to achieve
their goal of ending all timbering in the forest. The bat will be the basis for this suit.
OPINION. This will effectively stop all logging operations on
the Allegheny National Forest for at least three years and probably for five years or
longer. The last money townships and school districts will see as a result of timber
sales on the ANF will be in January, 1999. After that, the taxpayers will either have to
pick up the extra burden; or the townships and schools will have to adopt an austere way
of running their governments. I can almost imagine Cheri O'Mara doing just that. Guess
what will happen then?
ADDITIONAL FACT. Other parties have a responsibility in this process.
"Mineral owners, such as third part interests, have certain responsibilities under
the Endangered Species Act. (The ANF) will be working with the Fish and Wildlife Service
and the Burea of Oil and Gas within the PA Department of Environmental Protection
to help clarify these responsibilities."
SEPTEMBER 24, 1998
More e-mail and comments
Days like this one are easy. You write the column for me. Who can
complain about that?
Seven readers remembered the picture of Jim Buck. Two said they had it
and promised to send it to me. I wondered why anyone would save that editorial and I
e-mailed that lady back just to ask her. "I save all the news articles about you, Mr.
Beck," she wrote. "I like to keep track of how many times you are mentioned and
the tone of what they say about you. It really is disgraceful the way The Era and
the Times Herald slant stories against you."
Amazing! Anyway, the seven who e-mailed me, agreed that the picture made him
look like a ferret. One person said he wrote like a ferret. I wondered what
ferrets wrote like, but considering his keen interest in Indiana bats, maybe they eat bats
and that would explain the comment.
Tom Clark congratulated me on my excellent account of his brother's idea. He added to
the plan by suggesting that we require the ones who refused to adopt the dress and use the
horse and buggy, to be placed on permanent duty cleaning up the horse droppings.
The lady from England who started all of this over Jim Buck said she was
"horrified to read about her inquiry." Why? It was an honest question. I enjoyed
getting it. Other readers enjoyed reading about it. My question to you is: Are you a real
live English woman, or an American transplant keeping in touch with the old home town?
We have one lady from somewhere in the US of A who is trying to locate the brother from
whom she was separated at a very young age. She said it occurred in Bradford and we
offered to do a story for her and are waiting for the information.
That lawyer character wrote again and claimed to have a full understanding of PMS as a
result of being married to his wife. Most men could say that, however, few can give the
account that I can. Back in Texas one month, I was given the detail to go to the store to
secure one of the over the counter remedies. I bought the product that had the prettiest
packaging. When my wife took the pills according to the directions, I observed a
miraculous change in her attitude. I was astounded that these pills were able to calm her
so much.
Anyway, in the course of human events running our Burglar and Fire Alarm Company, I was
under a whole lot of pressure. Fuming around the house one morning I came across the
pills. I read the information on the bottle, decided they couldn't hurt, and remembering
Bill Cosby's routine about Midol, I took two. Well let me tell you something. They calmed
me right down and the only side effect I could detect was that I had to pee more than
usual. That was a small price to pay! Even the guys at Katz's (my Sixth Street hangout in
Austin) wondered what came over me. No one could understand the change in my disposition.
That was a well kept secret until now. Maybe I should start taking them again. I am sure
the lawyer will agree.
A lady in North Carolina reminded me about Patricia Ireland and her opposition to
Clarence Thomas because of his "....Long Dong Silver comments to Anita Hill. And to
think that she defends Clinton today is beyond my comprehension. The woman must not have a
single brain left in her head." Agreed!
A man from Carlisle, PA said about my comments calling Clinton a big sack of flab,
"Let he who is without flab cast the first jelly roll." True!
Locally, one of my underground readers (and I have a bunch of them around here) is
bugging me about my appeal to the Supreme Court. "Listen to you squealing like a
stuck pig because you are right while all the judges in the Commonwealth Court and the
Court of Common Pleas are wrong. How can that be? Why are you always right and
everyone else always wrong?" That's hard to say. I've wondered that myself. I guess
it is just superior intelligence!
Another local reader asked "...where are the next parts of The Pyle Report?"
Have patience. The buildup will be worth it as well as all the red faces when they are
confronted with what I have planned for them.
A man from Buffalo suggests: "Put one of those reply do hickeys at the end of each
article so it is easier for us to respond and comment. Your mail will really increase
then." Good idea. I believe I will look into doing just that. In the meantime,
I love my mail, even the mail I get from nit wits who don't agree with me. Keep it up and
we will do this more often.
SEPTEMBER 23, 1998
E-mail and feeble attempts at humor
What is PMSNBC? Ten readers took the time to e-mail me and ask that question.
Anyone who has ever listened to Rush Limbaugh would know.
Think about it. Rush has always had a knack of placing labels on people and
organizations. There was the Femi-Nazi label. We all know who they are. I still laugh when
I watch women like Patricia Ireland on television defending the womanizing liar of a draft
dodger. Femi-Nazi!
So then we come to news organizations and so called news organizations. MSNBC features
an array of liberal femi-nazis who are apologists for that sack of flab in the White
House. Most of them are angry women with a mission. While I bow to the intelligence of
women like my mother, my wife, my daughter, the ladies at work, and even the women who
have to take care of and do the work for any number of lawyers (one in particular and
especially his wife) who are (is) off to the lake, or Penn State football games more than
they (he) are (is) in the office; I have little regard for that collection of harpies.
Then there is that idiot Gerry Rivers (Geraldo Riverra) who thinks Bill Clinton has single
handed cured all the economic problems of the nation and the world. Hello!!!! Ever hear of
Reganomics and the projections that were made back in 1985? They are running true to form
and are still coming true. That is PMSNBC!
Oh well! Me and humor; kind of like Jim Buck laughing, or getting his facts
straight.
There I go again. A lady in England e-mailed me and asked who this guy is. I am going
to look around the office or will go to the library in an attempt to find that picture of
him they ran with one of his scurrilous editorials about me. He looks like a ferret, in
the picture at least! Once you see the picture, you will understand.
Really Jim, I am not calling you a ferret. I am just saying that the picture of you up
against that wall makes you look like one. I know better than to call people names. Two of
my college writing instructors, Leonard Lizak and Jim McVey, both told me never to call
people names when I wrote about them. The people will all understand when I run the pic.
As for Jerry Rivers being an idiot and Clinton being a big sack of flab-they are! Facts,
Jim! Nothing but facts!
From local humorist and bard, the pride of Westline, Jerry Clark, he has made a
wonderful suggestion that will undoubtedly help the local tourism industry.
He suggests that the County Office of Assistance (Welfare) supply all welfare
recipients with black Amish style clothing and require that they wear that clothing
whenever they are using food stamps or cash supplied by the tax payers. He further
suggests that we get them horses and buggies for their transportation needs. Recognizing
how fascinated people are with the Amish in Lancaster County, he feels that McKean County
can siphon off a healthy percentage of tourists who want to be Amish Watchers, thus
helping the local economy. I'll send that idea down to the Assistance Office for
consideration.
Then there was a lady in Ohio who had a suggestion about the picture of me on this
page. My wife would not like that! She doesn't care for the little amount of power I may
or may not have and certainly would not be as understanding as Hillary. (Maybe because she
doesn't have Janet Reno's broad shoulders to lean on). No, she would not stand by her man.
She would kill him (me)!
E-mail! What an amazing invention. A load of laughs, too!
SEPTEMBER 22, 1998
The first day of fall
As a season ends and a new one begins, how important is what we have been riveted to
the past week? Does what we have been so preoccupied with really affect our lives? What
did people talk to one another about before we had ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, NBC, MSNBC, PMSNBC,
and Headline News to show and tell us the sordid little details? What happened during the
Teapot Dome Scandal without the talking heads telling the people of the time what was
going on? Sit back and think about it and ask yourself if it is really all that important.
At three-thirty in the morning, it really isn't.
Outside, silently, leaves are falling from the trees. Fall officially starts at 1:37
A.M. tomorrow morning. Where I live there are thousands, perhaps millions of them - trees
that is. We have more trees than there are people in New York City and fewer people
(48,000) than most small cities. Trees, generally, are good neighbors. They are quiet.
They don't bark like dogs. They give off oxygen that we breathe and breathe the carbon
dioxide that we give off. It is a generous trade and the excess oxygen the from the trees
in our forest that we don't use, moves east. It is carried by the weather so that all the
people in the news agencies can replentish their supply of oxygen so they can continue
with their efforts to tell us all about what they have to say. I guess their excess carbon
dioxide goes out to sea and perhaps helps keep some sort of check on the hole in the ozone
layer, or something like that.
I used to live in Texas where the seasons were kind of wacky. We had huge live oak
trees. One, on my land out in Dripping Springs was over four hundred years old. It was
growing when Davy Crocket and the boys fought at the Alamo. The only thing about live oak
trees is they are all backwards. They shed their leaves in the spring when the new leaves
begin to grow. You don't rake leaves in the fall. You rake them in the spring. That was
the one thing about Texas I just couldn't get used to doing - raking leaves in the spring.
I don't have to worry about that here. Already, the grass is getting covered. Already
the forest is beginning to be red, yellow, and so many other colors that will soon blend
into an explosion that will really be indescribeable. As the colors change, so does the
smell of things. With that we know that the time has come. That is Autumn and this is my
favorite season.
Spring is nice, but it is muddy. Summer is fun but there are too many people around,
too much to do and not enough time to just enjoy yourself. This is the season that I like
to try and relax and just soak it all up. Winter is a time to just try to survive and stay
warm. Autumn is the end of something and with endings, there is peace and there is
saddness. There is time to reflect on what has been. There is time to plan for the future
or put things in order. Either way, we prepare for how different things might be while at
the same time, reflecting on what there were. It is a death.
While we all watch the Grand Jury video and while we all debate whether it is perjury
or not; the seasons of our lives are quietly and swiftly passing us by just like the
leaves falling from the trees. No one on the news is wasting a moment to inform us that a
season is ending and a new one is beginning. Think of what they could tell us that is
really important in those seconds that it would take! Why would they want to digress and
ruin the continuity of the story over the changing of a season? They could lose market
share! How many viewers would click them off if something as insignificant as Autumn
interrrupted the sordid details of Clinton's interpretation of "oral sex performed on
a deponent" really not being sex? That's important stuff!
Really, twenty or so years from now, Clinton and Monica will only be a paragraph or two
in history, if that. There will have been eighty or so season changes and many of us will
be gone.Just as we are reminded of Nixon, our children and their children will be reminded
of these times by the comparisons to similar and ongoing events of their time. Still
though, and in spite of it all, the seasons will change and the leaves will fall. Autumn,
she will come. She will come regardless of what is going on in Washington, or New York, or
any place else. That is news!
SEPTEMBER 21, 1998
Are women really smarter than men?
Who would have thought that out of a conversation over Sex, Lies, and
Videotape, the eternal question would have arisen? Certainly not I! However, it did, and
it came from my wife.
Sharyn's premise was very simple and straight forward. "Women are less
likely to blame Bill Clinton for his sexual indiscretions than are men." Why?
"Because women look down on men and do not believe they are as smart as them."
Personally, I am bored with Bill Clinton and his sexual exploits, or lack of them.
Hell, he is a poor comparison to the alleged exploits of the Kennedy brothers when they
were in the White House. Monica is certain no Marilyn and he doesn't even measure up to
Ted Kennedy! From what I have read about him and this so called affair, he certainly isn't
much of a studly type of guy. There is better stuff than that on the afternoon soaps! The
talk of the sex is only a diversion away from the fact that the guy is a liar. Hell, we
knew that when he first ran for President. He was elected anyway.
Sharon contends that women are more likely to blame Monica than him.
I can see that. I even understand why. It doesn't make sense to me, but I do
understand. That explains why women believe that we as their men are more attractive to
other women than we really are. When I have thought about that one (and I have done it
many times), I always have arrived at the same conclusion. My wife does not want to admit
that she is guilty of incredibly poor taste in men. Hence, she believes that every other
woman in the world wants an overweight, self centered, ill tempered red head just like she
does.
Sharyn contends that women view men as weak.
We've been trying to convince our wives of that fact since the beginning of time. See
how successful we've been! Who fights the wars? Who goes out and pulls the dangerous
missions? Who washes windows in the dangerous places? Who has to move the heavy stuff? My
wife wasn't hanging the stupid Chinese light fixture she bought for the kitchen
yesterday. It was me! I was the one standing on the countertop, assembling and
reassembling the damn thing until beginning my usual ritual of unprintable epithets to
make it finally work. Weak in mind maybe, but not in body.
That is what she means. Women view us as weak in the head. They
believe that we cannot resist another woman who sets her sights on us. They believe that
we are like dogs, that when we have the opportunity, we will succumb. They do not believe
that we can be faithful in the face of the offer we can't refuse.
If you think I am going to comment on that one, then I am weak in the head just
like women supposedly believe that I am. No Comment!
It made for interesting conversation over the weekend. We had good after dinner
discussions with the couples who stayed around at the
Rainbow on Saturday night. It made for a good Sunday morning over coffee talk, too.
However, outside of being a voyeur, I really don't care about Clinton's Grand Jury
testimony. Outside of knowing that what a little boy Clinton is, I don't care about his
attempts at sex either. I am not interested in knowing what an old man said to a young
girl over the telephone while he did who knows what. I don't care!
Sharyn says the phrase, "He's just a man," absolutely blows her mind.
It does mine, too. That is so condescending to men and it is downright insulting. This
man was entrusted with the single most powerful office in the world. The free world looks
to us for leadership. We look to the President of the United States for leadership. Bill
Clinton isn't just a man. He is the President. He has proven himself, by his actions, to
be less than a man. He has proven himself to be the coward that veterans across the nation
said he was when he was running for President the first time. He accepted responsibility
for his actions only when he was caught and realized he couldn't slither out of it. I
resent being compared to him in any way, shape or form.
As for women being smarter than men, let me show my intelligence.
After my mother, Sharyn is the most intelligent and wonderful person I have ever known.
She, like my mother, may not always be right; but she is never wrong. My daughter,
Kimberly, is no slouch. She is beautiful and smart and does so much good for other people
it brings tears to my eyes when I try to tell people how proud I am of her. Anita, the big
old friendly gal at The Rainbow, is right up there, too. She has lived through many
winters of discontent and summers in the sun with me and has always held steady to the
course. The Rainbow opens and closes, and Anita is still there.
Then there are the women at work. They are all smart. Audrey manages three men who at
times are likened to Moe, Larry, and Curly - The Three Stooges. Judy does her best, in
spite of insurmountable odds, tries to keep our elections running and us out of special
elections. Juanita and Sharon keep the phones working while Angie, Amy, Faye, and Jackie
have the thankless jobs of dealing with people who are angry over their taxes.
Judy and Lisa have to put up with Tom Ball as well as the Three Stooges. Connie is the
mother hen, who sometimes fills in as den mother, an keeps things going. Then there is
Sarah, a great lady who always has a smile and rides herd on me just to keep up my
spirits. It goes on and on to Marion and Margie and the rest of the wonderful ladies
in Connie's office working every day processing money and doe permits. They make the place
work. We just show up and think we run the place.
Are women smarter than men? They sure are! They are prettier, warmer, and they smell
better, too. I wouldn't have it any other way. Why would I? I am just a man.
SEPTEMBER 19-20, 1998
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