MARCH 18 - MARCH 24, 2000
MARCH 24, 2K
The last word, almost.........
Good morning. It is 35.8 degrees at 6:12 A.M. There is a thin layer of ground
fog across the hill and we are expecting a sunny day. Plans for WMLR-AM and internet radio
are progressing. And today is Gina's birthday. Happy Birthday Gina!
As for Women's History Month, Tom Clark has the last and final word. This is
it. Ladies, keep the e-mails and threats to yourselves. There will be no further
discussion in this column no matter what you say or do.
I, for one, appreciate the importance of Women's History Month. It
gives me a chance to reflect on all of my past relationships with women who are
now...well, history. Of course, I say this in jest.
Women have played a significant role in global growth. History will show that, when
Thomas Crapper, the inventor of the toilet, first showed his amazing creation to his wife,
her immediate reaction was, "Put the damn seat down!". Hence, the stage was set
for many a domestic dispute over bathroom etiquette. See, you can't find this stuff in any
of our history books, you have to make it up.
Well put, Tommy. That probably goes for much of the alleged history that is being
rammed down our throats, too. I'm going to have to ask Cornplanter the next time he drops
by.
Amy in Texas got a big kick out of the kitty in yesterday's article. She is using it
for wallpaper on her computer at work. Mary from New York and Shelia in Kentucky felt it
was degrading for cats. Rocky, my dog, wanted to play with it (I printed him a color
picture) and within a half an hour he had chewed it up. Sharyn told me I should apologize.
I asked for what and she just repeated herself and said I should apologize.
The Error is still running its ad for a reporter. Seriously, if you need a job
and the old man is out of work, or an under achiever like Jimmy, this is the place for
you. He can hang out at the Bradford Hotel while you work in the newsroom and
"create" the news. Send Marty your resume today. In case you forgot, here is the
address again.
Resume should be sent to Marty Wilder, managing editor; The Bradford Era; 43 Main
St.; Bradford, Pa. Please include samples of your work.
Resumes also may be sent by e-mail, to bradera.com.
Be sure to tell her Bud sent you!
Enough of that. One of our readers took the time to write his opinion of a story that
was in the local papers yesterday. It was about a man in St. Mary's who was arrested for
exchanging and viewing child pornography on his computer.
Before this goes any where I am on record as wanting to castrate any person who
harms or intends to do harm to children, and that is just for starters. I have incurred
the wrath of our good judge by pointing out time an time again that he is soft on child
molesters in comparison to drug dealers and other real criminals. He feels they are sick
as being opposed to being a threat to be dealt with.
Now that is out of the way, the impact of what has happened just may be of
importance to any of us who use our computers. We have to ask ourselves a question. What
if they plant pictures in our computers? How do we defend ourselves. This is what Johnny
had to say.
Bud,
I just finished reading today's story in the Era about the guy in St. Marys who was busted
for child porn on the internet. First let me say that I am not defending HIM or CHILD
PORNOGRAPHY, but I MUST bring up a few important issues ( and again, I am ad-libbing, as
always). First of all, he was busted for viewing photos of "underage girls". We
in PA, in the US may have different laws about what is legal age for a girl to be
photographed nude, but in some other countries they may have different ages or perhaps a
different view of what "porn" is. What about a "nudist site" ....is
that "porn" if some of the photos of a group of "nudist" show children
among them? Back to the age thing... in this country it's 18.....The girl is a fully
consenting WOMAN if she is 18 and she can pose nude. BUT if she is 17.....even just one
day away from being 18 we call her a child...a little girl....if she posed nude it would
be "CHILD PORN" . Even if she were say, like a girl (from Bradford) who at 14,
15, 16 & 17 got pregnant, had 4 kids of her own, and posed nude...just before her 18th
birthday, it would be considered "CHILD PORN". What if...in a country in Europe
where the legal age to show nude girls as women....is say 15 or 16 or 17...it's legal for
them to show pictures of them there (maybe Holland?) .......and we "go there"
with our computers....are we committing a crime HERE, or THERE? As I said before, I am not
defending "Child Porn", Just pointing out that the term "CHILD PORN"
can be a very large "Gray area"...........
Now ....on to the "State Troopers"
....that we are paying with our LOCAL tax money (county and state) ...WHAT THE (censored)?
We are paying them to sit at the computer (all day?) to be in adult chat rooms trading
pictures of young naked girls??????.......For what.....the off chance of catching a
"pervert" from our area who is looking at the same pictures that they are??????
I can see spending thousands of OUR tax dollars if we are trying to catch someone in this
county ( or state) who is producing , selling, or displaying "Child Porn", but
to put ANY effort or manpower (and lots of OUR tax money), just to catch just one guy
viewing pictures of young naked girls.........THAT seems like it should be the real
crime........Those cops should be out on the street of their own towns, in their own
county, in their own state.....catching guys who are actually having sex with underage
girls.
Now lets consider our privacy......Do we need (or want) as a society for
"Storm Troopers" or State Troopers......... busting into our houses and seizing
our computers......for ANYTHING we may want to view? And why aren't these cops in a chat
room trying to track down the source of these "SNUFF MOVIES" (People who film
them selves killing someone) . Wouldn't that be more of a crime? Much more a danger to OUR
citizens?
When did we loose our right to privacy? Or
our right to testify against ourselves?
In the course of just owning a computer connected to the internet, I have been
"spammed" with pictures of nude girls. They were just sent to my private private
mail address, I didn't ask for them (Thanks Penncom!) .....Just clicked on them ....and
there were naked girls.( I did report them to penncom, my ISP ) ....and what if one of
these nude girls was only 17years, 11 months, and 30 days old? did I just commit a crime?
Viewing "CHILD PORN" (against my will) ?.......can the troopers kick my door in
and take my computer?
How long have we paid (out of OUR tax money)
for state troopers to sit in a room and look at pictures of young naked
girls............PLEASE tell me it was only one day!.......and how many criminals did this
"sting" produce...........PLEASE tell me it was way more than just one
guy........OR......This would be a Horror.......do they do this DAY AFTER
DAY.........AFTER DAY.... with the hopes of catching just one local
"Pervert"......oops....sorry guy ( the man in St. Marys) .....ALLEGED
"pervert"......He is not found guilty yet.....He still gets a very long and drug
out trial at the tax payers expense.......before he is ( if at all) found guilty of
"looking at pictures of young naked girls".......like the STATE TROOPERS
.......get to do !
It may take Tens of Thousands of dollars of
OUR tax dollars.......but eventually that guy will be punished for looking at young naked
girls!
Your comments are welcome at rdhedbud@penn.com and maybe, just maybe, we can get
off this Women's History thing. How do I get rid of this blue ink?
MARCH 23, 2K
A picture is worth a thousand words
Good morning. It is 41.9 degrees at 6:14 A.M.
It seems that yesterday's article prompted quite a response. From all over the
nation I got e-mail about Jerry Clark's bash of Women's History Month. Even from as far
away as Great Britain (which I think is a contradiction!).
Your Jerry Clark, or Birthday Boy who reads at a 48 year old level when he is 46
needs to wise up. Without women where would he be? Frozen food ads in the newspaper are
picture ads for people of his small mentality. Being funny is one thing. Then there is
being funny like a crutch.
From a local reader I received the following:
Your reference to BALLS and the lady who is the District Attorney is a slur
on women. You obviously feel that a woman is not capable of being the District Attorney in
this county. Who do you feel is competent? Your buddy Jay Paul Kahle? What about him and
his history of forgetting about cases?
Publisher's Comment: Talk about raising the dead! Jay Paul Kahle! What about
Charlie the Tuna? Remember Jeffy Duke? How many did he forget and subsequently blow. And
read who wrote the BALLS reference. It wasn't me. It was someone who was dissatisfied with
the handling of the Williams case. Someone who felt that the rush to grant the two
material witnesses immunity was a mistake (which I whole heatedly agree with, too). As for
a "lady" doing the job of DA, that "lady" is not competent and has
distinguished herself in that way time and time again. Debbie Babcox now would be a
different story. (Why did I get the impression that this originated from the
McKean County Court House and the DA's office. Was it that internet spy program I just
purchased?)
And then there was a comment from Florida over the matter.
First of all....it IS Women's History Month. Tell Jerry that is why the frozen food
ads fall out. Women go on strike during March and won't cook so the supermarkets
"clean house" on it.
Second, so you liked Florida? But, in defense of us women, don't forget the gorgeous guys
on the beach, the guys at the pool, the guys in the Gyms pumping iron, my husband with his
suntan!
Third, you should have stopped by and visited us. Even though I am on strike this month I
would have treated you to a lobster dinner at Barnacle Bill's.
Publisher's Comment: Now she tells me!
And even from Texas a lady had something to say.
Greetings from Round Rock, Bud. Your true chauvinistic colors are showing. Nude
clubs and knocking Women's History Month. It shows you up for what you really are. I don't
know why I bother ready this column anyway.
Publisher's Comment: Me neither. Anyway, how are the Blue Bonnets this year?
From New York City I received this little note:
Check out all your big city papers, Bud. If you did and bothered to think about it,
all the writing of any substance is being done by women. In New York City women outnumber
men as Staff Columnists. I am a writer for the Wall Street Journal and am deeply offended
by your reference today.
Publisher's Comment: Tough! Write a column and offend me.
From Hawaii of all places this came:
You should not be taking Women's History Month lightly. Jerry, Tom, and you, Bud
should all wake up. You have no right making fun of something that is being highlighted to
give girls a sense of being equal to their male counterparts. We have been second class
citizens long enough. We do not need you three setting us back.
Publisher's Comment: The last thing the three of us could ever do is set back
any woman, let alone a whole woman's movement or even Women's History Month. I didn't say
it! Jerry did! How did I get hooked up in this. This is exactly what happened last year
when someone called the Superintendent of Schools "a slut." I got blamed for
that one, too. This is all Jerry Clark's doing.
Then I got a picture. I am not sure where it came from except it has the
feeling that it may have come from the newsroom at The Error.
And with that I will close. That is a thousand words I prefer not to write.
Comments are welcome at rdhedbud@penn.com.
MARCH 22, 2K
Helping out The Era
Good morning. It is 38.7 degrees at 6:48 A.M. Yes. I had another good night
sleep. Tylenol PM! A miracle for sure.
The columns for the past two days have stirred a few of you - actually more than a few.
The mere mention of Timothy Williams brought out the "hate Alfieri" group who
are convinced had we had a DA with "BALLS" we would have sent him to death row
where he belonged.
It all comes down to her making deals with the other two. All three of them should
have been indicted for murder in the first degree. Williams got a deal of a lifetime by
not getting life. It is Alfieri's fault and hers alone. He should be appealing his death
sentence along with the other two right now.
That was the unanimous sentiment of the twenty-two e-mails I got yesterday alone.
And as far as women's history month, the birthday week boy had this to say. He said it,
not me, Mary.
Woman's History Month? By
what falls out of my newspapers (inserts), it is Frozen Food Month. I have been
celebrating this since March 1st. Now you tell me it is Woman's History Month. Make up
your minds! Jerry
Joanne must have finally believed that he wasn't
in Florida with that blonde. He sure sounds brave.
One of our readers to the north had a few words on the
Digital Divide.
Hey Bud,
We have not agreed in the past, but I have to say good for you for
bringing this up. Is there a digital divide? Yes! You could also call it the inverse of
the 'minors with handguns' divide. People make choices, and due to cultural and
environmental influences (read:You aren't cool if you dot 'pack a glock' and wear stolen
Air Jordanians (whatever))' these choices. The digital divide is not a big deal. There are
a million different things on which we are divided. There is a 'Ferrari Divide' - I happen
to be on the not have side of this. There is a digital divide, and I am on the 'have'
side.
I'm with you, too, John. Remember the words of Mel Brooks in History of the World?
"It's good to be king!" Do you remember the rest of the quote?
Also, while I was in Florida I was e-mailed about The Error advertising for a
reporter.
They list the qualifications but no where do they say that a requirement is to be
able to spell or tell the truth. Don't you think that should be a prerequisite? Maybe they
should mention the use of spell check, too.
I was tempted to use it right then and there, but I was in Florida. I was looking at
women at the pool all day - and women on the beach all day - and women in the beach bars
all night - and really, discussing the women at The Error was a real bummer
considering how much fun I was having. But Florida is now a distant memory and as I see
that City Council wants to ban one more thing in the city (big rigs) and the Sanitary
Authority is hiring Stan to do the job he used to do for nothing (So much for big mouth
Doynow) and keep him from suing, I am back in the swing of things here.
The ad reads:
Era seeking writer
Looking for a chance to move back to northwestern Pennsylvania? Are you currently working
as a reporter or writer? Or, do you know someone who falls into both of these categories?
The Bradford Era has an opening for a full-time general assignment reporter. We
would prefer to hire someone with a few years' experience but would consider a recent
college graduate who shows promise. Degree in journalism or related field required. Ties
to northwest Pennsylvania are a plus.
Resume should be sent to Marty Wilder, managing editor; The Bradford Era; 43 Main St.;
Bradford, Pa. Please include samples of your work.
Resumes also may be sent by e-mail, to bradera.com.
My reader was right. No where does Marty say that knowing how to spell is a plus, or
telling the truth, or using spell check. Oh well. Minor issues! But, why are they looking
for a reporter? What is happening at The Error? Well here's the news:
Jimmy Buck's wife got a better job. She is going from UPB (University of Pittsburgh at
Bradford for those of you not from around here) to Bucknell University. And as in the case
of all male reporters for The Error, when their wives get better jobs, they move.
(The exception to that was Jim Lakely who knew how to spell and tell the truth and was not
married. He made the mistake of getting on the wrong side of the wrong politician who was
on the right side of his bosses and had to move on and that he did - Pittsburgh over
Bradford - good for him!)
But then Jimmy Buck is no Jim Lakely.
I can't help but wondering if Mrs. Buck made giving Jimmy a position as an instructor
part of the deal? But I suppose we will never know that.
Anyway, seeing how this column is read daily by more people than the number of people
who read The Error, I thought I'd give them a plug and get them going. But
let's refashion this for Marty. Let's help her out too.
Ladies! Is your old man out of work again? Is his unemployment insurance running
out fast? Do you have an old degree in journalism sitting around gathering dust? Are you
feeling mentally deprived? Then come to work at The Bradford Era!
The Bradford Era is the leading newspaper in McKean County, Pennsylvania. We boast
a readership of 12,000 a day even though only 8,000 qualify as being literate. (The other
four thousand have birds and pets.)
Knowing how to report the news in not necessary. We are given the daily slant on
all stories and follow suit from there. Enjoy a stimulating career in deception and
inaccurate reporting. Sent resume today to:
Marty Wilder, managing editor; The Bradford Era; 43 Main St.; Bradford, Pa. Please
include samples of your work. Just say "Bud sent me" and your application will
be given immediate attention.
As for Jimmy boy, I suggested a going away party. I suggested it at the Rainbow Inn but
my wife said she does not allow skunks on the property.
I defended Jim.
"He is not a skunk," I retorted. "He's a ferret. Or at least looks like
on anyway."
"Skunk, ferret, it makes no difference to me," Sharyn said. "Take him to
the Bradford Hotel."
I thought about it and I guess I will have to go ask Sheffer if that's okay. I am sure
Peckham will have something to say about that, too.
Oh well. Your ideas and comments are welcome. Send them to me at rdhedbud@penn.com.
MARCH 21, 2K
A year ago
Good morning. It is 37.2 degrees at 7:31 A.M. This is late for me
considering I have been up writing most of the night for the past three weeks. It was all
getting to me and I decided to take a Tylenol PM and get some sleep. And that I did.
So when you finally sleep all night and wake up drowsy what do you write about?
First you go to your mail.
My son, Geoff, who reads me at school in the library at St. Bonnie's wrote about
yesterday's article:
Maybe if we don't identify that there is a gap and it is ok that a gap exists -
some people have gaps between their two front teeth and we don't say anything about it -
then one day there might not be a gap because the other side of the digital gap wont exist
anymore, but then that is evolution - right?
I have a gap between my front teeth. Always have. I lived with it. I stopped smiling.
People adjust to things like that. As for the Digital Gap or the alleged Digital Divide,
who can say how they will adapt to that? Maybe shop in malls instead of on line.
And then there is Jerry Clark - still sleeping on the couch after I ratted him out
about the big whatever blonde in Florida, wrote to tell us it is his birthday. Seeing what
I inadvertently did to him, I owe him this.
Also - It is my Birthday
(or the middle of my Birthweek). I am 46, but read at a 48 year old level. Jerry
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JERRY CLARK
And Mary in Florida wrote: Funny how March
Madness coincides with Women's History Month. Must be you gents are running scared after
all!
Probably, Mary. Probably. At least the programmers anyway.
And a friend of mine who has been examining the books of a club and fighting an up hill
battle to get at all the information wrote to me:
I am proud to tell you that after years of frustration I can now proudly state that
I have brought meaningful reform to my beloved XXXXXX. As District Deputy Grand Exalted
Ruler (the head XXXXXX in the northwest district) I was able to see records and data
that proved conclusively that the place was being run into the ground (they removed from
the trust accounts of over $130,000 in the last four years just to make ends meet). It is
a long and all too familiar story of these fraternal organizations when an entrenched
manager runs the show. I would be glad to inform your readers but it would take quite a
bit of space and time.
We've all seen, or at least suspected as much in many of those organizations.
Then there was an e-mail from two girls - Jill and Kelly. Not Jill Kelly the porn star
or Jill Kelly, Jim's wife; but Jill and Kelly offering me a free membership for 72 hours.
Oh well. So at that point I went into the archives of the MLR. What were we talking about
a year ago?
The drum roll please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The week of March 20 - March 26 we did letters and we were talking about the upcoming
election and we were talking about the Timothy Williams deal. Some of the letters were:
"Ray McMahon Realty was a scream! I loved it because it was funny and it was
true - oh so true. OECD should buy all of Main Street and take it off the tax roles before
it drives everyone else out of business. You are correct in saying that government has no
business competing with private industry and that includes the Land Fill. You have not
included them in your Bradford Hotel articles and I understand why. There is no humor in
having a 15 million dollar time bomb ticking while they play their games out there. Keep
the heat on them all. Good job.
You have my support in the Primary."
And,
"You need to tell the story about Cheri's toxic waste and asbestos storage
facility. Now we can understand why none of the kids stay in school. It is unhealthy and
they are being exposed to things that will probably give them cancer in later life. Who
can blame them? There was no question about who the one who puts it all away was. What a
funny thing to say! I laughed my butt off. I'll bet you made Cheri really happy. You
probably gave Peggy a few moments, too. You should have said two of them."
And that is just two of many.
Tomorrow we will discuss startling new news about Mutant Beach Fest 2000 (copyright)
but for now I am still drowsy. Happy Birthday Jerry Clark. Have a nice day.
Comments are welcome at rdhedbud@penn.com.
MARCH 20, 2K
Out on the road asking questions
Good morning. It is 36.5 degrees at 4:05 A.M. It should be a decent day with
some rain on the way. Other than that, today is the first day of spring. How many of you
knew that?
In Asia they take today off. It is Spring Equinox Day. The stock markets, both
financial and meat wise, are both shut down today. Businesses and factories are also
closed (except probably for sweat shops owned by prominent television personalities) and
the kids have a day off from school. There is even an unspoken cease fire in countries
that have warring factions. Even the guerillas take the day off to honor the changing of
the seasons. Are we missing something?
I wondered. I wondered about that and I also wondered about the so called growing
"digital divide." It concerned me to the point that I went out on the road and
started asking questions.
I asked Ralph just after he finished a half pound burger at the Rainbow Inn.
"Tell me, Ralph," I began. "What is your opinion of the digital
divide?"
Now Ralph is an old buddy of mine. He is a big, burly, man's man who works for the
electric company. It has always been hard for me to imagine him up in one of those little
buckets fixing wires up on poles. But at the same time, it has been hard for me to bring
the subject up, too. You should see the size of his hands!
Ralph grew irritated just at the sound of the question. I changed my stance and asked
him about Spring Equinox Day.
"What's got into, Bud?" he demanded. "Spring Equinox Day?"
"Yes," I answered. "It's big in Asia."
That really irritated Ralph. He's a wounded Vietnam Vet and he doesn't like being
reminded that there is even such a continent. I left Ralph alone.
From Ralph I went to Walt. Walt works at Dresser and is a thoughtful and concerned type
of guy. For that reason I asked him about the Digital Divide.
"Well Bud," Walt said. "It's kind of like this. When I was growing up
and we had just enough food to feed us, the government wasn't there giving us an extra
chicken every week. I work hard and I provide for my family. We have our computer. What do
I care if anyone else has theirs?"
When I asked him about Spring Equinox Day he said that unless it was a recognized union
holiday, he wasn't interested. Ralph jumped on the band wagon with that one and went into
something about a grievance he had filed. I walked over to my son-in-law, Jeremy, and
asked him.
"Well pop," he said (he calls me pop). "I know it is the first day of
spring on Monday. I doubt that it will affect me one way or the other. Just another day of
going to work and playing with the baby. As for the Digital Divide, I'm on the right side
for once. That's a darn good feeling."
I had to agree with that one. Jeremy had a good point. Actually, it was a great point.
Digital Divide! Really. I was on the right side of that divide, too. What did I care? I
quit asking the stupid questions. At least I quit for awhile.
Later that night I wound up at the Bradford Hotel. I couldn't help myself. I decided to
ask Welfare Wes. What a mistake that was.
"You are right. There is a Digital Divide in this country and it is divided along
economic and racial lines. It is growing wider by the day. It reminds me of the missile
gap described by John F. Kennedy during the sixties. If something isn't done about it and
done about it soon we could have major, and I mean major problems in this nation. You've
heard about them burning books, well there just might be an uprising and they would begin
smashing computers."
Tommy Clark jumped into that conversation.
"Over my dead body!" he roared out. "You'll pry my mouse and keyboard
out of my clenched dead hands! It is our right to have access to the world wide web."
"What about the people who can't afford it?" Wes demanded. "What about
them?"
"They have other activities."
"Like what?" Wes asked.
"Pushing baby strollers up and down Main Street and hanging out at the square.
They can read The Error. They get to have those nifty cards they use in Tops and
they can hang out in bars and complain like you."
Wes took exception to that. Immediately he pointed out to the rest of us that he not
only was connected to the web, but that he had been for quite some time. It explained that
it was important he keep up with new legislation designed to curb his benefits.
Toothless Tim and Gizmo both joined with Wes in saying pretty much the same thing.
"Then what is the problem?" I asked.
"Because you asked it," he told me. "Anything you ask becomes a problem
with me."
I accepted that and then asked what he thought of Spring Equinox Day.
"I have no opinion on that one. Every day is a day off for me. I wish they'd get
some new industry here so I could get one of those executive positions and go back to
work.
"Right!" I thought to myself. Tommy Clark was obviously thinking the same
thing. I could see the smile on his face.
Finally, Grant Nichols spoke up.
"Bud. There is a digital divide as long as a computer costs more than a television
set. Once they come down even more in price and cost as much as a television, then
everyone will have it. The same goes with access to the net. When it is included in the
monthly phone bill, then it will be for everyone. As for Spring Equinox Day, they have
that, we have Martin Luther King Day."
With that I stopped asking stupid questions.
Your comments are welcome at rdhedbud@penn.com.
MARCH 19, 2K
There was no new article
MARCH 18, 2K
One Of The Guys BY TOM CLARK
For my own good, I had better start out with an apology to the ladies.Since this is
another one of my "on the fly" columns, I can be sure that some members of the
fairer gender may find this writing to be chauvinistic, degrading, bigoted and politically
incorrect.
Hey, who cares? I'm a guy. Criticism rolls off me like water off a
duck's brown eye. Guys aren't sensitive, at least not in public. Even
the higher-ups, who chastised Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker for his slanderous
remarks towards certain New Yorkers, were chuckling on the inside.
I could visualize the large walnut-paneled room where the Baseball
Gods gathered in their Brooks Brothers three-piecers to discuss Rocker's fate and the
public outcry against his heinous remarks. About halfway through the meeting, I'm certain
that someone snickered over one of Rocker's comments and the whole room erupted in
laughter. A few seconds later, one of them probably ripped a loud one and the hearty roar
reached a crescendo. After about five minutes of cackles and guffaws, the Commissioner
probably made the media guys promise not to report that
part of the meeting.
It's all part of being a guy. And this is the best time off the year for it. March
Madness is under way and a guy can spend twelve hours
in front of the television watching hoops. The hockey playoff race is
heating up. Gas grills are on sale. The snow is gone, no, wait, it's
back, from the softball fields and golf courses. Our future Bradford
Mayor, who shall remain nameless in this writing but was mentioned in the previous column
of 02/21/00 and is referenced again (albeit
anonymously) later in this article, is talking about the upcoming
water-skiing season. And, most importantly, it's a guy's time of year
because it is not as cold when you pee outside.
Guys aren't just into sports, like basketball, hockey and peeing. We
appreciate the arts, such as piano playing and singing (John Valley),
cinematic classics ("Back Door To The Future" and "Genital Hospital")
and live stage performances (the future Club Bradford)
We can laugh (What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and
Martin Luther King Day? E-mail me for the answer) and cry (a swift kick where we live will
do it every time) and express sorrow (Damn, that was the last beer!") and joy (a
two-flusher BM first thing in the morning).
We can fear our destinies ("Drive faster, we're going to miss last
call!"), show respect to our chosen partners in life (the toilet seat up
rule, thank you very much) and help our children become productive
members of society ("Make yourself useful, kid, and get me another
beer").
Being a guy is best when you are around other guys. Driving down the street, I'll stop
momentarily to exchange a few wisecracks with the guys working for the Bradford City Water
Authority or the City Public Works. By the way, all of those guys are ragging me about
only getting a "B" in my "Grading Bradford" article. I mistakenly
included them in with an overall grade for all city services and our governing body
dragged them down. The guys out there on, in and under the streets deserve an
"A-plus". The suits and skirts get a "D-minus".
It's great to be a guy and joke around with other guys in my daily
travels. Like the guys at Trustworthy Hardware or the guys at Bisett.
The guys who work in the shop at NBS Trucking are always good for a laugh, as are the guys
on my pool and softball teams.
It's hard to envision a group of women gathering by happenstance and the first words
spoken are, "Hey girls, did you hear the one about the Pope and Queen Elizabeth
(again, e-mail me if you haven't heard it)?"Almost as unlikely to occur as a bunch of
guys at the Chestnut Street garage discussing another guy's fashion faux pas.
Guys will say to other guys, "You, da man!". Women will say to one
another, "You go girl!", which may be translated into, "Hit the road,
b@#$%!".
OK, I had better end this right here before I get any tendencies
towards female bashing in this testosterone-powered writing. I think
I'll take a chill, crack a cold one, turn on the tube, catch a little b-ball...and
scratch. After all, I'm just one of the guys.
Thanks Tom. Till next time send comments to rdhedbud@penn.com.
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