FEBRUARY 19 - FEBRUARY 25, 2000
FEBRUARY 25, 2K
The Tom Clark Controversy
Good morning. It is 47.8 degrees at 4:25 A.M.
A real furor has popped out of the website www.bradford-online.
(Don't forget the .com. if you are going there. ) And why aren't we surprised the
none other than our ace columnist, Tommy Clark, is right in the center?
It began when someone who signed their name as "Concerned" wrote the
following: (Please note that I did not correct this person's spelling. Not only don't they
know their own name, they are also too lazy to use Spell Check - something Tom needs to
learn to do aslo.)
Subject : Who reads this guy's stuff? Author : Concerned Date : 02/20/00 1:19:00 PM
|
 |
| A firend of mine from work told me to go to the
Mountain LaurelReview site and read the articles that Tom Clark has wrote. She siad that I
would laugh hysterically. Instead, I was appalled at what this person was writing andthat
anyone would want to read it. I went through the archives for about two months back and
found not one article this person has written to be of any social value. He seems like a
pompous, sexist know it all who has nothing better to do than put everyone else and
Bradford down. I don't know him nor I care to and I'm sure this man cannot have many
friends. He puts down people who worships our Lord and makes Bradford to look like a very
bad place, not the reputation we Bradfordians want on the world internet. Maybe if all of
us who are tired of people like Tom Clark having their free say can complain to the
Mountain Laurel Review they will stop printing his garbage. In the mean time if he doesn't
care about making Bradford a better place than he should move. |
Since then there have been thirteen notes added in reply (I've done two of them, and
Tom, of course, has a few in there defending himself. Oh well.
Anyway here is another Tom Clark column for you to read, tear apart, or print out
and put on the bottom of the bird cage.
And don't you just love people who sign "Concerned" instead of their name.
What are they afraid of? Tom and I sign our names and look at where it got us.
Voting For The Big Guy BY TOM CLARK
Another Presidential election is fast approaching and, to be honest, I
have not a clue of who I would like to see in the Oval Office.
On the Democratic side, Vice President Al Gore, the self-proclaimed
inventor of the Internet, is attempting to cast aside a challenge for
the nomination by Bill Bradley, a former pro basketball player and
Senator from Joisey. Between the two, I would have to go with Bradley.
He has an excellent jumper from the post and is one of the best shot
blockers in the political arena today.
The Republicans are serving up two guys that completely bore the Hell
out of me. It is like the "Battle Of The Side Dishes". McCain and his
twice-baked potatoes (available in the freezer section of your local
supermarket) versus Bush, the baked bean king. I have to go with
McCain. I am afraid that, if Bush is elected, Texas will leave Mexico
and join the U.S.
We have had quite the menagerie of U.S. Presidents throughout our
history. Some great, some so-so and some that really sucked. Using
that wonderful resource called hindsight, I considered past Presidents
and determined who I would have voted for.
Since there isn't much written on what these people were like before they were elected,
I have to cheat and use their actual time in office to derive
who would have been worthy of my vote. Listed below are my Definite,
Maybes and No Ways.
Definite
George Washington is a gimme. The guy was born on a bank holiday and
as a campaign gimmick, had his face plastered on all dollar bills and
quarters. His election was unanimous as he swept all 69 (nice number,
eh?) electorate votes. You never hear about the other guys who were
running. Ol' George stomped them like a narc at a biker rally.
Thomas Jefferson was a pretty cool guy. During his time in office, he
purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for $15 million. The New
Orleans Saints recently signed an offensive tackle for the same amount.
T.J.'s first Vice President, Aaron Burr, shot his rival, Alexander
Hamilton, in a duel. Bummer we can't do that any more. His second
V.P., George Clinton, went on to be one of the hottest funk and reggae
stars on the music scene today. The only knock on Jefferson was that he
let Ohio have statehood.
I would have voted for James Madison solely on the killer cupcakes his
wife, Dolly, makes. He was so impressed with Clinton's horn blowing
that he kept him around for another gig. That's George Clinton, not
Bill.
Abraham Lincoln ended the Civil War and abolished slavery, which
cleared the way for African Americans to prosper with huge contracts in
the NFL, MLB and NBA.
Ted Roosevelt was the Ted Nugent of politics. He was a naturalist
that made our National Forest and Park systems what they are today. I
could write forever on the great stuff he did. That thing in Cuba, the
Panama Canal, really neat quotes...this cat was centered!
Maybes
James Monroe, our fourth President, was the third of the first five
who died on July 4th. What's up with that? He pulled off a deal with
Spain to give us Florida for Dan Marino and a third round draft pick.
Jimmy Buchanan was the only single guy to hold the office of
President. I bet there were some great parties in the White House then.
However, while he was chasing around the interns and using one of them
as his personal humidor, the country was heading into the Civil War.
Andy Johnson had a tough act to follow after Abe came in and cleaned
up Buchanan's empty beer bottles in the White House. One of Johnson's
greatest achievements was the purchase of Alaska from Russia for $7.2
million and a McDonald's franchise. He came damn close to getting
kicked out of office for constantly arguing with Congress. A tailor
from the South, Andy married a 16 year old babe and inspired "The Andy Griffith
Show". Andy? Tailor? Get it?
Benjamin Harrison (last beard in the White House) and William Taft
(last moustache) get my vote for the facial hair.
James Garfield was the second President to be shot, only four months
into his term. He held on for two months after the assassination
attempt before dying. What a trooper! He was the last of an ugly
trend of electing three straight Omissions to the Presidency.
No Ways
John Q. Adams was the first son of a President to be elected to the
High Office. This guy was such a jerk that his V.P. was reelected and
he wasn't. Must have been his silly sideburns, a major fashion faux
pas.
Andrew Jackson, the first Southern redneck to be President.
William H. Harrison refused to wear a coat at his inauguration, caught
a cold and was dead 30 days later. Not too smart for a man who is
supposed to be leading our country. It is believed that he is
worshipped by those guys who don't wear shirts in the end zone seats at
Bills games.
Ulysses S. Grant was a war hero (big deal!) and rode his fame into the
White House. He put all of his pals in important government jobs and
many of them were charged with fraud and corruption. His first V.P. was
accused of taking bribes. His second term V.P. was involved in
scandals. Later, Grant lost everything through lousy investments but
saved his ass by selling his memoirs. Incidentally, his middle name is
Simpson. "If the glove doesn't fit..."
Warren Harding was a big freakin' bore. In fact, this guy was so
boring that, when he died in office 2 1/2 years into his term, his V.P.
Calvin Coolidge yawned his way through his oath of office. Coolidge was
at his dad's house in Vermont when he was awakened in the wee hours with the news of
Harding's demise. He went downstairs to the dining room where his dad, a Justice of the
Peace, swore him in. Then he went back to bed.
I hope our next President is colorful and exciting. As bad as some may think Bill
Clinton is, you have to admit that he brought some fun to the
White House. Til next week...
Oh yes. Tom wants to get his "fan mail" directly. He e-mailed me the
following:
Subject: New E-Mail Address
If it isn't too much trouble I would like you to add a tag to the end of
my columns, something like;
Tom welcomes comments at: tcclark@2-cool.com.
Or you could write something different each time. I'm trying to split
my regular mail from my "Fan Mail". By the way, did you see this entry
in Talk About Bradford?
Of course I did! I led this column with it so more people could jump on your
back. Between you and Tom Riel people will soon forget who I ever was.
All of your comments are welcome at rdhedbud@penn.com.
FEBRUARY 24, 2K
Missing Aunt Rose
Good morning. It is 41.2 degrees at 5:34 A.M. Don't let this weather fool you. We
are still in store for a whopper of a snow storm in mid March. When we have a late warm up
and melt off like this, we generally get 30 to 40 inches all at once.
Jack Keyes was killed in an accident on the Route 770 hill on Tuesday. Jack was a nice
guy, a father, and husband to Judy. That same day I was told my old friend John Benedict
had passed away.
I ran into John's son at the Post Office and he told me. "He went fast," he
said. "He didn't suffer." I was glad to hear that. Dying in a hospital after a
long and productive life seems more than a bit unfair.
"You two were buddies," his son said to me.
Yes we were.
John was 92 when he passed away. Jack was 39 when he was killed. One man had his life
behind him, the other, in comparison to John, only a child with so much to live for. And
each day all so precious.
I haven't said much about Aunt Rose passing. It's been hard for me. I never realized
how attached I was to her. But, for nearly five years, she was a major concern to me every
waking and even sleeping moment. My life was altered and changed to accommodate the needs
she had. From the cards, notes, and memorials we have received in her honor, apparently
that did not go unnoticed. Thank you.
Vince Gaeto brought me to tears the morning Aunt Rose died. I was maintaining my harsh
composure managing the situation. Then, in the room with Aunt Rose still in her bed, he
reminded me of an article I wrote about watching a sunset with her. It was at that moment
I realized how very much I would miss that funny and interesting old woman.
I have been wandering around the house lately. Every now and then I get a whiff of her.
She, like so many of us, have our own smell about us. Hers was a clean and
comforting smell. It was one I never tired of. But walking down the hall and passing
through it with her bedroom door still closed, I had to stop and see if she wasn't
standing behind me.
And now there are the sunsets.
I watched it last night from the same window Rose and I sat in that January evening. I
had a drink and I toasted her. I couldn't help but remember her. One moment she was there,
the next she wasn't.
When someone is 95 you would expect something like that to happen, but it doesn't make
it any easier. And even expecting it, it is still a shock when it does happen.
With her gone I am still reminded of her by the people she touched in the nearly five
years that she live with me.
Sue still walks down the hall to check on her in her bed when she enters our house.
Anita puts a glass of wine at her table in the Rainbow every Friday and Saturday.
People still come up to me in the grocery store and say how much they liked her and how
sorry they are that she died.
And Sharyn, remembering her the other night said to me: "You have nothing to feel
sorry about. In five years you gave Aunt Rose more genuine affection than she had in the
prior thirty-five years, or maybe more.
"Think about the times you danced with her, here and at the Rainbow. Think about
how you for no reason would hug and kiss her. Think about how you teased her and played
games with and on her. You genuinely loved her and she knew it."
As she said that to me, I cried again, just as I am now writing this.
Losing people is part of life. That doesn't make it any easier and it doesn't fill the
void that is left by the person who has died.
What will Norma do now that John is gone? What about Judy and the kids?
Life goes on in spite of death. It goes on but it doesn't make it any easier.
I miss my Aunt Rose. I miss her a whole lot. It will be a long time before I get over
it. Even more than my own father, her brother, she played an important part in my life by
giving me that connection to a part of my family that I didn't know. She gave me a
connection to my past.
Because of her I can now recite the stories she taught me about her uncle, Fred Beck,
who went to California and founded 20th Century Films, the predecessor of 20th Century
Fox. I can talk now about her mamma's family, including all the sisters and the great
artist and painter August Heider. I can also talk about her grandfather who went
from owning a large string of horses in Barvaria to becoming a butcher in Brooklyn.
Because of her I know all of that and now can pass it on to the rest of the family and
anyone else who will listen. What a loss it would have been had she never come here to
live.
Roselle Beck Eschmann January 4, 1905 - February 3, 2000
We miss you.
FEBRUARY 23, 2K
The day after Michigan
Good morning. It is 40.6 degrees at 5:56 A.M. This slow melt off of the snow is
great for our wells and the water table in general.
"Well?" you say. That's right. Up here in the woods that's where we get our
water, unless you live in Bradford and then they have city water. But, judging from some
of the antics down there, it just might not be all that much of a great idea to drink the
water. Ours may be a little rusty at times, but at least it doesn't seem to make us weird.
And weirdness seems to be in abundance lately. Look at the primaries.
George W. Bush, son of President George Bush, and alleged front runner in the
presidential race, lost two more. Arizona was to be expected, but Michigan was not.
Now Michigan is one of those states with open primaries. Any one can vote in any
primary just as long as they are registered to vote in some form of affiliation, even if
it is non-partisan. That gives the party a true feeling for the will of the electorate and
they can, under the proper circumstances, come up with the best possible candidates. As a
result of the cross over voters, McCain beat Bush by 7 to 8% of the the vote.
The Republican voters chose Bush. He had 68% of the vote on strictly party lines.
However, there is a message imbedded in what happened over all.
Unless the Republican Party can attract from outside of itself, it cannot win.
The Republican sweep in Congress and their Contract with America in 1994 was because
Conservative Democrats embraced what they were saying. They were tired of Liberals taking
away our rights under the Constitution. They believed that they had turned to a less
intrusive form of government.
They did in the sense that issues like gun control, National Health Insurance, and
affirmative action withered and died on the vine. But at the same time, while they were
striking a blow for their individual rights, they came under the scrutiny and control of
the extreme right and their beliefs.
Pro Life and Capital Punishment became the standard for the party.
That did not sit well with the Conservative Democrats. While not being outright baby
murderers and willing to forgiving of those who commit capital crimes, the real
power of the movement just did not believe that issues like those could be so inflexible.
And slowly, as they were worn down by and gradually accepted the amorality of the
Clintons, they drifted back to the Democratic Party.
George W. Bush represents all that was bad about the Conservative takeover in 1994. He
is a Newt Gringrich whose daddy's rich friends have had enough money and power to cover up
his past misdeeds and moral lapses. He believes that if he holds himself up as being
better than the rest of us, he can't help but win. He is finding out that is not exactly
the case.
A Bush Gore race in the fall would in all probability make Gore President. The
Conservative Democrats who elected Ronald Reagan will not vote for Bush.
However, that may not be the case with a McCain Gore race. McCain, so far, has been
able to reach those people and convince them to vote in the Republican primary instead of
the Democratic race. That certainly gives him the edge in November. And, with both being
Vietnam Vets, neither Gore nor McCain can draw any advantage. Bush on the other hand, will
come up lacking in that area, if it means anything anymore. Getting in the Reserves
because his daddy was a powerful politician just doesn't sit all that well.
Personally, I think Gore is best prepared to be President; McCain second best; with
Bush and Bradley sorely lacking.
There are striking similarities between Bush and Bradley. It has something to do with
the way they view the rest of us. And as they lose races, it becomes very obvious. It is
written all over their faces.
Whatever happens it will be interesting. In the meantime, what do you think. Comments
are welcome at rdhedbud@penn.com.
FEBRUARY 22, 2K
Down boyz (more or less)!
Good morning. It is 33.3 degrees at 5:52 A.M.
Exactly what is the matter with youz guyz?
I put a picture of a good looking woman and her child on the web site and you all go
crazy. By six last evening I had eight inquiries as to the marital status of Patty. And it
didn't stop there. When I got up at three this morning to do some work on web sites, there
were eleven more. Who knows where this will end. Should I start a matchmaking service?
Bud, Who is this Patty chick? Are those pictures taken at your house. I thought I
recognized Sharyn in the background of one of them. Can you arrange an introduction? I
love dirty faced little girls. And I love big girls like her mom, too. Jack
And,
Now you are making your website worth reading. Who is Patty and how do you know
her? Is she available? You never said anything about a husband. What is the story on her?
Tell us more. Larry
And,
I feel in love with Patty's smile the first time I saw it. Where does she live. I
have to assume that she is from the Bradford area. That maternal smile turned me to
butter. I love it and it certainly gives you an insight into the woman behind the smile.
Could you please give her my e-mail address and ask her to write to me? If you want to
check me out first, it is okay.
And,
How can I meet the woman in today's article. I fell in love with her. You really
know how to keep and audience.
And,
I have to know more about the girl in today's column. You wrote about the Tic Tac
girls last week. She reminds me of her. How old is her baby? Is she married (Patty, not
the baby)? And if she isn't, is she attached. I don't live too far away (Buffalo) and
would like to meet her.
Now exactly what is this all about?
I was planning a continuation of the Sperm Bank story and now I have to deal with you
guys and your fanaticizing over a girl I put up on the web site because I thought it would
be a nice way to wish her a happy birthday. What's wrong with you? Don't you have lives?
Go find yourselves a good adult web site and live out your fantasies there. Leave my
friends alone.
I am not going to tell any of you anything about her and I will not forward your
addresses to her. Go get a life - all of you!
In the meantime,
........the battle rages over the proposed Sperm Bank on Main Street in the heart of
the Hysterical District.
Certain ministers and church leaders are now forming another coalition and are planning
prayer meetings and marches to oppose the placement of such a facility in their town.
"Why do we need such a place in our community?" one woman who asked her
identity not be disclosed asked. "Our teen pregnancy rates are among some of the
highest in the state and look at the way the welfare families are growing each winter.
What useful purpose will a Sperm Bank provide for our community?"
At the same time,
........the fellows in the Bradford Hotel have lined up squarely one the side of the
Sperm Bank.
Billy Peckham, the great Irish tenor and perhaps the finest police chief in history
(except for my father) supports the idea.
"The men of Bradford and the surrounding area have long been vital and very
prolific. A Sperm Bank will afford the rest of the world an opportunity to share the
wealth, so to speak, and allow our superior genes to be exported world wide."
Dave Sheffer, owner of the Bradford Hotel agrees with Peckham.
"Brother Beck," he told me. "This should be right up Ray McMahon's
alley. This is the beginning of a cottage industry for the men of McKean County. I can't
imagine anyone opposing a plan like this."
Welfare Wes, self appointed spokesman for the lazy slackers of Bradford, was especially
supportive of the idea.
"Think about it. We can stop off around eleven each day and get enough money to
drink on the rest of the day. I know it sounds like work, but I look upon it as a
humanitarian effort to spread the wealth, so to speak, to the rest of the world. And, I
was assured that there is no way that anyone can come back on me for child support."
Even Mattress Margie favored the idea.
"It will take some of the pressure off of me. It will provide Toothless Tim an
outlet. He will stop pestering me all the time. I see this as a good thing and we just
might start getting along better."
Even though the local media refuses to give the proper coverage to this issue, The
Mountain Laurel Review will continue to keep you up to date on any and all future
developments on the Sperm Bank issue.
Your comments are certainly welcome at rdhedbud@penn.com.
And, we will not accept any more e-mails asking about Patty. All of you, get a life
and worry about more important things like whether or not a sperm bank will come to
Bradford.
FEBRUARY 21, 2K
A Happy Birthday e-mail; and, a new article by TOM CLARK
Good morning. It is 24.3 degrees at 5:35 A.M.
I love it when other people write my column. Especially when the one writer
(obviously not Tom Clark) is so pretty with such a charming personality (we know for sure
that isn't Tom Clark!).
Happy Birthday Mommy!
My mommy is 28 today. My mommy works hard all day and takes care of me the
rest of the time. Sometimes I make more work for my mommy.
But she loves me and puts up with the things that I do.
So on her birthday, I want her to know that I love her very, very much. And I
promise I won't make so much of a mess the next time and leave her something to eat.
Because my mommy gets real hungry.
Happy Birthday Mommy. I love you. Lindsey.
Happy Birthday Patty
And, as we promised:
The Great Clarkoni BY NONE OTHER THAN THE GREAT CLARKONI HIMSELF, TOM
CLARK
I promised myself that I would never use my psychic powers in public. With all of the
controversy and uncertainty that surrounds our daily life in Bradford, I feel that the
time is right for me to dive into the
other dimension and find some answers.
That's right, I'm psychic. I was asked to consult on the Psychic
Friends Network but they went bankrupt before I had the chance. You would think that, with
all of the so-called world's best psychics on board, one of them would have seen their
demise coming.
I'm not your average foreseer, my powers only work for predicting news articles in
black and white. I have to put myself into a deep trance, so give me a minute or two. It's
like stepping outside of my body and looking back at myself. Geez, I need a shave. OK,
here goes:
The Great Clarkoni sees many newspapers scattered about. I will now read to you random
headlines and corresponding news articles.
March 8, 2003 - Beck Cashes $142M Lottery Ticket, Buys Era...Harold T.
Beck, former McKean County Commissioner and Bradford Main Street Manager, announced today
that he has agreed in principle to buy the Bradford Era, the second leading daily
publication in McKean County. Beck made the startling announcement at the press conference
where he accepted his $142 million check from winning the Pennsylvania Lottery.
Beck, the owner and publisher of McKean County's largest daily newspaper, the Mountain
Laurel Review and Democrat, announced that the entire editorial staff, except for
sportswriter Greg Clark, would be immediately fired. "Some of them I'm going to kick
in the ass when they go out the door", Beck said.
He is retaining Clark to be Sports Editor because "he's good to keep around for
laughs and he's Jerry and Tom's brother".
Beck said that Tom Clark, former staff writer at the MLR and currently the movie critic
for the Bensonville, Arkansas, Weekly Hooter, will join the Era staff as the Home and
Garden Editor.
Beck went on to say all other Era employees will be retained, pending performance
reviews, except for "that sonafabitch that can't get my paper in the yellow tube
every morning".
July 18, 2006 - Sidewalk Stripping Ordinance Fails...Bradford City
Council failed in an attempt to keep Club Bradford from participating in the city's annual
Sidewalk Sale Days when Mayor John Cattoni vetoed the directive by council members.
Tom Riel, owner of the club and Chief Executive Officer for its parent company, Club
Smalltown, Incorporated, was relieved that he would not have another court suit on his
hands. "I've beaten them six times in court and would do it again if I had to",
Riel said. The veto came on the eve of Riel opening his latest nude bottle establishment,
Club D.C., in Duke Center.
Some of the more conservative members of the Bradford community pushed for an ordinance
that would ban Riel's employees from performing sidewalk lap dances during the sales
event. Cattoni said that Bradford never had a more successful sidewalk sale event and
thanked Riel for bringing the flourishing business to Bradford's beleaguered Main Street.
October 24, 2008 - Manning Near Perfect As Tribe Sweeps
Series...Bradford native Mike Manning tossed a one-hitter as the
Cleveland Indians won their third straight World Series, defeating the
Cincinnati Reds 4-0 in the All-Ohio fall classic.
Manning, baseball's first 30 game winner in nearly 40 years, struck out Ken Griffey,
Jr., on three pitches to end the game. The strikeout was his tenth of the game and second
to Griffey, who had the Reds' only hit in the fifth inning.
January 10, 2009 - ARG Closes Its Doors, Sells Refinery To
Disney...The American Refinery Group announced that it is closing its refinery in Bradford
and sold the property to Disney Entertainment.
Although details are sketchy at this time, it is rumoured that DIsney will be building
a theme park on the refinery site and the working title is Welfare Disney.
When contacted about the prospect of the Disney venture, Bradford Mayor Chuck Goble
said, "it makes perfect sense to have Disney open a welfare theme park in Bradford.
With our population base of 64 percent now on welfare, and with them having nothing to do
all day, why not give them some entertainment?"
April 10, 2008 - Riel Buys Vacant BCC School...Tom Riel, owner of Club
Bradford, the Bradford Mall, Howard Johnson's and the Bradford Hotel, has announced that
he is buying the vacant Bradford Central Christian High School and turning it into a
training center for his diversified ventures.
Riel said that he will open an academy to train dancers for his
eighteen nude bottle clubs, a bartender school, a retail management
college and a Hotel and Restaurant Management school. He said that
Chesty Rodriguez, manager at Club Johnsonburg, will be the school's
principal
This building will be utilized in a manner that all Bradfordians,
McKean Countians and Northern Pennsylvanians will be afforded training if they want a
career with Riel Enterprises".
Riel added that he will step down from his position as Bradford School Superintendent
to run the training center on a full-time basis.
May 3, 2010 - Gas Prices Hit $4 Per Gallon...The price of gasoline
topped the $4 per gallon mark for the first time ever in Bradford. There were long lines
at the pumps yesterday as motorists filled up for the last time at under $4 per gallon.
Many convenience stores called in extra shifts to accommodate the
rush. At one store, the 7-Eleven on Kennedy Street at the site of the
old City Hall, a fist fight broke out as motorists were getting edgy
during their long wait in line.
According to 7-Eleven manager Habib Yousef Muhammed Hakim, nearly 400 people filled up
on their busiest day ever. "It crazy here. People get gas. People get more gas. No
hot dogs. No lottery. Just gas. Maybe one slurpee", Hakim stated.
June 2, 2013 - Mutant Beach Hilton To Expand... Officials at Hilton
Hotels have released plans to expand the 230 room luxury hotel at Mutant Beach within the
next year. One source with the hotel chain said that a full press conference is scheduled
for next week and details will be announced at that time.
Man, my head always hurts after a trip through the future. I hope this
may answer some of the questions you may have concerning the state of Bradford and what's
to come. Til next week...
FEBRUARY 19 & 20, 2K
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